I feel so lost right now. It seems like everytime I try to pull myself together, something interferes and throws me off track. I’m not sure if I’m being punished or is it really my fault. I really do think it’s a punishment at times. I used to be a very sweet person & very “good”. I’d go to church practically every Sunday & read a scripture every morning using the daily bread book & then I’d read the reference to the Bible & start my day off. Back in those days I was the epitome of perfection. Like seriously, my world was perfect, I was perfect as any human can be, nothing went wrong. Now, it feels like I ate the apple Eve ate when I was told not to & my world’s been a roller coaster ever since. If I could change it, I’d rather go back to my utopia even if it were boring & I always played it safe. I hate messing up, I hate chaos, I hate failing, I hate problems, I hate not being at my best. My pastor has also said that whenever you feel as though everything’s falling apart in your life & you’re at your worst, you are almost closer to your blessing. I just know that today is the day I’ve had time to reflect on a lot of things. Gosh I love rainy days. I decided that it really is time for something new & a change. I’m going to strive to be better & get back to where I was in life & where I need to be. I don’t like being stressed, I don’t like the problems & I can’t stand the chaos. I’ve been calling this my YAL (Young Adult Life) crisis. In order for things to get better, I had to realize that things weren’t good & get the strength to ignore the distractions & force myself back on my road to success. More importantly I have to always remember to keep God first. Without him I wouldnt have gotten this far & without him I won’t be able to move forward. I was thinking about rededicating my life to Christ. I thought about it the last time I was at Church but I didn’t move…that’s a lot of members to walk down in front of; my church is huge. It’s something I must do though because I haven’t been right & I really want to be right again. The suffering within has gone on long enough.. 2 years now & it’s only because I’m so stubborn that I’m just now coming to terms with everything that’s been happening to me. I’ve gotten rid of some people that had a negative influence in my life but I’ve also let in new negative people. It’s time to rid myself of them as well; now, if a person doesn’t fit into my plan; then I will not associate myself with them. The guys will be there as well as the parties. I have to do this and get myself together for me. It’s not only the right thing to do but it’s the mature & responsible thing to do. At least I can say I’ve lived; because I surely did that; but it’s time to move out of the fast lane to nowhere. The tortoise beat the rabbit in the fable so my ass is about to slow down & stop speedin. I thank everyone that has come into my life & affected me in a positive or negative way because either way; I learned a lot & it’s helped me come to terms with myself as far as what I need to do to get to where I want to be. Time waits for no one & I’m only getting older. I like nice things so I need to be able to take care of myself. My future made me realize that when he said I’d love to take care of you & I think I’ve been doing a good job already but I want you to start taking better care of yourself. That’s so true. I need to do better for myself & stop being lazy. I need to be fully independent so when someone can’t bail me out, I can hold my own. My parents clearly aren’t going to always do it & I can’t expect him to always be able to either because he’s busy doing his duties too & even if we were to become one someday; I’d still have to be by myself when he’s deployed & I’d have to be able to handle things on my own. It’s not always good when you have to do everything on your own; it’s stressful & hard & I know because my mom does it & I dont want to ever be in that situation. I love everyone who’s ever helped me out so much; I’m not good at expressing my appreciation & gratitude but it really doesn’t ever go unnoticed. One day soon; like within the next yr; no more than 3…I’ll be able to repay those people for everything they’ve done for me. I’m definitely paying my future back even if I’m with him; he has to be repaid for helping me out…He looks out for me when no one else will or can. I love him to death for it. He really is one of my angels; I swear; no matter what; he’s been there for me. He always manages to see the good over the bad in me. He’s the bestest friend anyone could ever ask for in life because he’s such a good person. I’ve also met a couple of new good people; hopefully they don’t flip & start acting crazy. I’m going to take everything one day at a time & hopefully things get better. No stressing or whatever; I’m gonna let God handle everything & put my mind at ease & just be the smart person I was bread to be & always have been. Nothing’s about to influence my better judgment anymore…it’s time for control & time management; or life management. Ok I’m being redundant but I just had to get that off my chest. I’ve been tearing these past couple of hours just thinking about it…